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| Beautiful sunset, Melbourne |
Recently I’ve been spelling amazing with double Z. After years and years of learning through the hardest ways, I still can’t guard this thing call emotions. I believe there’s this little elf somewhere hidden in me, that I’ve absolutely have no control over. It has the ability to dominant every logic and sense I have at any time it reckon it should.
And this E, gets me into troubles big and small, places and people I would love and hate to meet or go and experiencing the emotions that I’d never thought I have. The day I can control this E, no… I doubt I’m Jac anymore. We are inseparable, though at times I wish I could just be me. But who can touch water without touching wet?
With the odd and mysterious way this universe works, complimenting the E that is in me, I had the best days ever in years. And of course, it involves a male species which made all these possible. It added on to the already amazed me that how this universe evolves around every individuals if we allow it to. Traveling itself brings more unexpected than the reckoned. Defying the universe only prevents us for receiving the amazement that she’s waiting to shower us with.
It was another couchsurfing gathering I got to know from an Italian that I met a week ago. We hit it off straight away and so I decided to stay in close contact with him. Upon reaching the bar, I had expected a couple of warm welcomes. (it’s a leo thing).
The bar wasn’t too crowded with a couple of people scattered around. The one thing that caught my attention immediately, was this crowd hovering around this unfamiliar guy in a multi layered outfit and a jacket printed with gigantic M&Ms. So he was pulling some magic tricks that had everyone fooled with amazement. The crowd watched intently at his spellbinding hands.
The silence was unusual in a bar, when you have at least 20 people focusing on one single thing. Pretty obviously, I was captivated as well, but not fully on the tricks but the magician himself. The familiar couchsurfers / hosts ended up having all the same WTF look after each trick from the odd-dressing man who was the centre of the spotlight.
Where is he from? And who the hell is this gorgeous? I think I just woken up this E again. With his little hand lion puppet, he approached me. Or I went to him,either way. Later I learned that the puppet’s name is Maurice. Even though I know its just another puppet, I was fascinated by how he brought the puppet to life. After kissing my hand, it fell into transfixion into the shoulders of his friend, the puppeteer. SO damn cute! I broke into a big smile and looked at this amazing guy.. w.o.w. and not long after… shit.. oh no.. NOT again!!!
And this E, gets me into troubles big and small, places and people I would love and hate to meet or go and experiencing the emotions that I’d never thought I have. The day I can control this E, no… I doubt I’m Jac anymore. We are inseparable, though at times I wish I could just be me. But who can touch water without touching wet?
With the odd and mysterious way this universe works, complimenting the E that is in me, I had the best days ever in years. And of course, it involves a male species which made all these possible. It added on to the already amazed me that how this universe evolves around every individuals if we allow it to. Traveling itself brings more unexpected than the reckoned. Defying the universe only prevents us for receiving the amazement that she’s waiting to shower us with.
It was another couchsurfing gathering I got to know from an Italian that I met a week ago. We hit it off straight away and so I decided to stay in close contact with him. Upon reaching the bar, I had expected a couple of warm welcomes. (it’s a leo thing).
The bar wasn’t too crowded with a couple of people scattered around. The one thing that caught my attention immediately, was this crowd hovering around this unfamiliar guy in a multi layered outfit and a jacket printed with gigantic M&Ms. So he was pulling some magic tricks that had everyone fooled with amazement. The crowd watched intently at his spellbinding hands.
The silence was unusual in a bar, when you have at least 20 people focusing on one single thing. Pretty obviously, I was captivated as well, but not fully on the tricks but the magician himself. The familiar couchsurfers / hosts ended up having all the same WTF look after each trick from the odd-dressing man who was the centre of the spotlight.
Where is he from? And who the hell is this gorgeous? I think I just woken up this E again. With his little hand lion puppet, he approached me. Or I went to him,either way. Later I learned that the puppet’s name is Maurice. Even though I know its just another puppet, I was fascinated by how he brought the puppet to life. After kissing my hand, it fell into transfixion into the shoulders of his friend, the puppeteer. SO damn cute! I broke into a big smile and looked at this amazing guy.. w.o.w. and not long after… shit.. oh no.. NOT again!!!
I didn’t manage to get his contact. His name is all I got. For the next week or so, I’d been thinking of this man who captivated me but I manage to tell E to fuck off cos I’m not gonna see him again. There was this tattoo exhibition which was showcasing one of the artists’ work around the corner at Sydney Road. It was something which I’ve been wanting to check it out but to my disappointment, it was just a retail tattoo shops with couple of artwork hung up for sale. Indeed, they do have some good designs but its still wasn’t my thing. Too dark and wicked.
As I was getting bored while waiting for my couchsurfing host to finish his tour, a familiar face came right into the shop. In a flash, the boredom vanished and E prompted me to get his attention. I absolutely had no idea where the adrenaline rush came from. Taming the E in me, I got up and cracked a bashful hi. I could feel my ears glowing. It wasn’t too tough to get the conversation going. As I soon learnt he’s a natural communicator. The tough part was playing it calm and cool. If I could surface the war with E within me, it would be like the bombings between north & south korea. Same body, different ruling, trying to kick the logic out of the other.
The convo started with the usual questions back and forth from us.. more from me actually. In fact, I was utterly oblivious to whatever that was around me that I didn’t realized that my friend was already standing besides where I was sitting. I am, but I am NOT that oblivious to my surroundings. Somehow..somewhat… my senses just flowed in that direction.
As I was getting bored while waiting for my couchsurfing host to finish his tour, a familiar face came right into the shop. In a flash, the boredom vanished and E prompted me to get his attention. I absolutely had no idea where the adrenaline rush came from. Taming the E in me, I got up and cracked a bashful hi. I could feel my ears glowing. It wasn’t too tough to get the conversation going. As I soon learnt he’s a natural communicator. The tough part was playing it calm and cool. If I could surface the war with E within me, it would be like the bombings between north & south korea. Same body, different ruling, trying to kick the logic out of the other.
The convo started with the usual questions back and forth from us.. more from me actually. In fact, I was utterly oblivious to whatever that was around me that I didn’t realized that my friend was already standing besides where I was sitting. I am, but I am NOT that oblivious to my surroundings. Somehow..somewhat… my senses just flowed in that direction.
As much as I want to remember the whole conversation like a tape recorder, only one part etched into my memory. “What is your objective in life?” he asked casually and yet I could sense the momentousness of the question. Close friends threw questions like this to me once in a while. But I’d never expect a person whose name I could hardly remember would challenge my thoughts in such way. Instincts instantly prompted me to say something intelligent, or duplicate some quotes from whoever. E ran through its pathetic archive in her goddess’ speed and I guess she relented. A simple question just exposed the humility and vulnerability I have been guarding all these years. “ I just want to be happy,” My answer startled even myself.
Guess we won’t know what we really want till we tear down all those pride in us. No one could tell but at that point of time, I had utterly given in to myself. “Face it, Jac. It’s time.” All the while I thought, as long as I don’t give any acknowledgment to certain facts, they will never exist. And I could continue being me; blind and deaf. Someone commented, you ain’t that ignorant I thought u were. I want to and I choose to.
After a quarter of century fending for myself, its not a choice but I have to be ignorant to protect myself. Ignoring how people see me, ignoring the fact that my heart was broken time and time again, ignoring all those theories of life, ignoring how tough life is, ignoring what means happiness. I do not have multiple personalities, just layers of them. And those who could peel them off layer by layer and unmasked the defenseless me were not many but just 2 and this man was potentially the third.
While I thought the worst was over, he asked once more,
“what’s happiness to you?”
I wish I could snap my finger and teleport myself to any other place than to sit there facing questions I’ve been avoiding half my life! The silence wasn’t too long , but I already felt millions of emotions and thoughts rumbling through me like indestructible waves preparing itself for a ferocious thunderstorm.
“To feel good.” I blurted.
Yeah.. to feel good, I silently agreed with myself once more.
After a quarter of century fending for myself, its not a choice but I have to be ignorant to protect myself. Ignoring how people see me, ignoring the fact that my heart was broken time and time again, ignoring all those theories of life, ignoring how tough life is, ignoring what means happiness. I do not have multiple personalities, just layers of them. And those who could peel them off layer by layer and unmasked the defenseless me were not many but just 2 and this man was potentially the third.
While I thought the worst was over, he asked once more,
“what’s happiness to you?”
I wish I could snap my finger and teleport myself to any other place than to sit there facing questions I’ve been avoiding half my life! The silence wasn’t too long , but I already felt millions of emotions and thoughts rumbling through me like indestructible waves preparing itself for a ferocious thunderstorm.
“To feel good.” I blurted.
Yeah.. to feel good, I silently agreed with myself once more.
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| Bret Amazzeing & myself |
1 comment:
i find it interesting how we can leave such an impact on peoples lives with some of the random thoughts we have. I spent many years of my life focusing on how to harness those thoughts and allow the mind to move like water. fluid and able to adjust to it's environment at will.. i found this posting, by doing a google search on my name. bret amazzeing. and there it is. i recall a lot of the same memories, and i too was rather bored and disappointed at the tattoo shop. I force myself to experience life in many shapes and forms. and i take myself to places that are as comfortable as mothers arms and to the pits of hell.... i do this to learn what i can from the world around me.
i am greatful i was able to leave such a positive impact on ones life. we both learned a lot from each other. and i too was challenged in this encounter. there was a lot more to the story but i will let her tell you when she sees you.
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