Phuket Escape

Phuket trip. 27^th Mar – 30^th Mar 2011. 

The consequence of an ending of a non-existent relationship. A relationship that isn’t even acknowledge in the first place. All thanks to my stubbornness and the self-recognized rational mind, that brought me to a state of unnecessary turmoil and pain that is totally uncalled for.

It all started with just one single guy and that led to a cycle of hope and defeat. And for some reason, knowing that it’s all a cycle again and again, the obstinate dense mind doesn’t learn! It was meant to be a distraction, a damn good one. Someone to divert my attention away from another whom has been quietly floating in my world since the start of 2010. With many ups and downs with this dude, it’s a fairytale turned wicked.  Just when I was struggling to grab hold of any chance of survival in the midst of the drowning sorrow and dejection, I met my hope. Successfully got me out of my initial grief for 3 months and wickedly, steadily led me to another fall once more. When is this going to end?!

The foolishness and naiveness of the mind is indeed incredible. Constant reminders with every strength and effort that the mind could dispense, actively, forcefully, cruelly drilling the fact into my head, it is not, will not, will never be mine. N e v e r. Nevertheless, it came too close, too near and subconsciously a part of me took ownership of it. So I let it. I let myself sank into this sphere of blindness and delusion. A space where I regard as joy until I woke up. This sphere was sunny, full of joy, radiant and made me a very happy woman in love. All dreams, good or bad, comes to an end isn’t it? Why not enjoy it while it last, till I wake up. An absolute fatal move. I thought I am strong enough. I thought all those reminders with every ounce of strength have backed me up. I thought i will accept it with suavity when it comes. All these assumptions were banished the moment the bubble was burst. The hours after were beyond grueling. The conversation kept repeating itself like an unstoppable playback. It was like death, a part of me died. I went into a state of trance, where everything lost its scent and colors. Breathing became an effort and crying became natural. Eventually, again, it will come to a point when you will grab hold of any life-saving hope, just to breathe. Most likely it wouldn’t work. And all functioning cells in me were screaming, don’t do it. The next thing I know, I heard the captain say, we are 20minutes from Phuket. Weather is sunny with occasional showers.

Welcome to Phuket. I was once again, forcefully put myself into a place of unfamiliarity and unknown. Though I’ve been there enough times not to not know that place, it was still pleasantly useful to divert all my senses away from the pain. 3 days of escape, I drank, beached, indulged with awesome food, hang out with friends, being spoilt like a princess, being showered with affections and attentions, added 5 other new friends in my FB, dived, seen turtles for the first time,  couchsurfed, made another friend, had fun.Everything but crying. I did not shed a single tear. I wasn’t happy, but at least tears stopped flowing and most importantly, breathing became normal again. 

It was where i spent most of my nights with my wine of the side

I went Italian that day!

It was while dolling up myself to meet my CS host, a sudden revelation hit me – The more you travel, the more you forget your world, the more you see, the more people you meet, the more you wouldn’t want to stay with one.

Even though it was broken, and a part died, I stopped crying. I know now. I’m fine now, I think.