Life's Beautiful Coincidences

The sea is such a manipulator. Though as calm as it is, with gentle waves rolling into a rhythm of its own or perhaps only the true listener could tell you the exact tune that it’s playing. The different shades of blue bring both mystery and peace at the same time. For just a day, staring at this immeasurable mass of water lifted up my spirit. I felt, the world is beyond what I can see now. So, lets just chill and enjoy the moment. All these were yesterday.

I’m sitting by the café now with the sea just metres away. The rhythm now totally changes. You know sometimes certain music either cheer you up or makes you further depressed than you already are. But every song depending on its nature, brings forth different emotions. This sea.. what can I say. I stared at it for 2 hours this morning, trying to listen. Finding back the calmness and peace it brought me yesterday. The harder I try, the further I drift from what I’m expecting to feel. Tears welled up. I cringed and held my elbows tightly unknowingly. Seems like my body is bracing itself for its worst. Its funny that sometimes my body knows whatever better than I do. I felt a shiver down my spine, my heart beats faster and the next thing I knew, I have hidden my face between my knees and trembling in tears. Its ironic. A beautiful island like this and yet I am not living it. For moments i felt i was merely existing, getting bashed up by the profound movements of the universe.  

So instead of trying to grasp the gist of how the whole fucking nature works, why not just live the day? So its all enjoying the moment? Unfortunate or not, its debatable. I think that’s said cos I know I’m able to make the moment happen again if I want to. Its only when I know its all done and finish. Never would I get to laugh like I used to, explode like we used to, chase each other around like we did. I enjoyed those moments. I love them too much I lose myself in the midst of these times. I fell in and out of reality for that period. I confuse myself from these reality rip-off. 


Though constantly reminding myself of my position and preparing for what it may come – today. Its my last day here on the island.  i doubt I will ever come back again.. not for a very long time I suppose. My last night here enjoying what’s about to end. The last thing I should do is cry. Afterall, it was a good 9 months. However, that is also a last thing and the only thing I could do. 

(Hugging tightly unto him from the back on the motorcycle, I burst into a fountain of tears silently. Wiping away my runny nose furiously while the wind against my face swept those tears away. My body trembled. Maybe it’s the cold wind I thought. Yes, it’s the cold wind I choose to believe.

Then in the night, my arms started trembling again. And I knew it was the wind anymore. It was his touch. A touch that I once thought is warm and assuring, now my body reacts to it like its afraid. Afraid cos I will never feel this touch again. I was doing pretty good, swallowing those tears while untangling myself from his arms so unwillingly. Till his arm wrapped around me, I found no other strength to push away no more. 

I failed terribly. Failed to warm up a heart that I’ve given all I could and couldn’t. Failed to heal the heart after all these months. Failing to play the game well. Failing to arm myself well before diving in into this. Maybe I did. As times go by, the defenses peel away as real emotions find its way through. I don’t know why im writing this. Should I be writing this for my blog, just for myself, or for you? I know I’m crying out for help. Someone or something to bring me out of this miserable state.

Its 7pm. Hours to the night fall, to where it will all end. I wish he could sympathize me just a little. A little just to make me feel better. I remember I woke up this morning and for a slightest moment I thought that everything that happened last night was a bad dream. For that moment, I was relieved, till I realized his arms were still around me, I teared into the pillow once more.  I wasn’t expecting anything, I just want to be happy and I’m happy when im with him. I don’t understand why must things be stopped when its all still good. And also because of the same reason, it has to end. Taking away the little weekly joy I look forward to was just pure evil. )  

Love isn't a game. Love isn't something that anyone can choose to make it show up. It's a feeling that comes and goes as it pleases. When it knocks, we can choose to embrace it or pretend it never will happen. I embraced it, knowing extremely well that it will one day leave as silently as it came. 

I suppose it's a skill; personality; trait; quality, whatever you call it, that a traveler must acquire. To be able to detach from anyone, thing or place within the given time from the motion of the universe. Its a remarkable quality i must say. Some people call it unfeeling or even cruelty. Cruel to the people around. Afterall, i always been saying, you just can't come into someone's life, make them care, and then you leave. But, who else, but ourselves, we have to love and be selfish to? And i learnt that the hard way, still learning it as i'm typing. Space, time, life, are the most brutal of all. They don't stop for anything. Like it or not, it moves on. Till Life finally found a dwelling place, i keep on moving, seeing, listening, searching. 


There was a time i met someone else, whom i want to see his face everyday instead of the world; who i want to sit quietly even for minutes instead of partying in Ibiza all night. We traveled for 3 weeks. The emotions were intense for that 20days. It seemed like we'd gone through a 3 years of relationship all packed up in 3weeks. And all these illusions made us thought that we've found the one. It was nothing but a beautiful coincidence. Reality is, there's a clear start and end date. Happy times were meant to be packed and store away. Life moves on. You get the point.  


Lots of people wish to find that special someone while sitting on a beach in Bali or exploring the streets of Paris. We have this idealistic notion of travel romance. However, reality is always different. The realities of desired destinations, time tables, flights and everything else often get in the way, and it becomes much harder to really keep things going. 


We could only accumulate all these beautiful coincidences and for that, we learn to detach ourselves freely. I've met one that could do it with a snap of a finger. I admire him for that, so much i want to be him. At the same time, i'm glad i'm not and i detest him for him, maybe becos i'm the party that was left behind. 


You meet someone, you hit it off, and for the place and time, you are together. It makes all things simpler, isn't it? 

Amazzeing

Beautiful sunset, Melbourne

Recently I’ve been spelling amazing with double Z. After years and years of learning through the hardest ways, I still can’t guard this thing call emotions. I believe there’s this little elf somewhere hidden in me, that I’ve absolutely have no control over. It has the ability to dominant every logic and sense I have at any time it reckon  it should.

And this E, gets me into troubles big and small, places and people I would love and hate to meet or go and experiencing the emotions that I’d never thought I have.  The day I can control this E, no… I doubt I’m Jac anymore. We are inseparable, though at times I wish I could just be me. But who can touch water without touching wet?

With the odd and mysterious way this universe works, complimenting the E that is in me, I had the best days ever in years.  And of course, it involves a male species which made all these possible.  It added on to the already amazed me that how this universe evolves around every individuals if we allow it to. Traveling itself brings more unexpected than the reckoned. Defying the universe only prevents us for receiving the amazement that she’s waiting to shower us with.

It was another couchsurfing gathering I got to know from an Italian that I met a week ago. We hit it off straight away and so I decided to stay in close contact with him.  Upon reaching the bar, I had expected a couple of warm welcomes. (it’s a leo thing). 

The bar wasn’t too crowded with a couple of people scattered around. The one thing that caught my attention immediately, was this crowd hovering around this unfamiliar guy in a multi layered outfit and a jacket printed with gigantic M&Ms. So he was pulling some magic tricks that had everyone fooled with amazement. The crowd watched intently at his spellbinding hands.

The silence was unusual in a bar, when you have at least 20 people focusing on one single thing. Pretty obviously, I was captivated as well, but not fully on the tricks but the magician himself. The familiar couchsurfers / hosts ended up having all the same WTF look after each trick from the odd-dressing man who was the centre of the spotlight.

Where is he from? And who the hell is this gorgeous? I think I just woken up this E again.  With his little hand lion puppet, he approached me. Or I went to him,either way. Later I learned that the puppet’s name is Maurice. Even though I know its just another puppet, I was fascinated by how he brought the puppet to life. After kissing my hand, it fell into transfixion into the shoulders of his friend, the puppeteer.  SO damn cute! I broke into a big smile and looked at this amazing guy.. w.o.w. and not long after… shit.. oh no.. NOT again!!!

I didn’t manage to get his contact. His name is all I got. For the next week or so, I’d been thinking of this man who captivated me but I manage to tell E to fuck off cos I’m not gonna see him again. There was this tattoo exhibition which was showcasing one of the artists’ work around the corner at Sydney Road. It was something which I’ve been wanting to check it out but to my disappointment, it was just a retail tattoo shops with couple of artwork hung up for sale. Indeed, they do have some good designs but its still wasn’t my thing. Too dark and wicked.

As I was getting bored while waiting for my couchsurfing host to finish his tour, a familiar face came right into the shop.  In a flash, the boredom vanished and E prompted me to get his attention. I absolutely had no idea where the adrenaline rush came from. Taming the E in me, I got up and cracked a bashful hi. I could feel my ears glowing. It wasn’t too tough to get the conversation going. As I soon learnt he’s a natural communicator. The tough part was playing it calm and cool. If I could surface the war with E within me, it would be like the bombings between north & south korea. Same body, different ruling, trying to kick the logic out of the other.

The convo started with the usual questions back and forth from us.. more from me actually. In fact, I was utterly oblivious to whatever that was around me that I didn’t realized that my friend was already standing besides where I was sitting. I am, but I am NOT that oblivious to my surroundings. Somehow..somewhat… my senses just flowed in that direction.

 As much as I want to remember the whole conversation like a tape recorder, only one part etched into my memory. “What is your objective in life?” he asked casually and yet I could sense the momentousness of the question.  Close friends threw questions like this to me once in a while. But I’d never expect a person whose name I could hardly remember would challenge my thoughts in such way. Instincts instantly prompted me to say something intelligent, or duplicate some quotes from whoever. E ran through its pathetic archive in her goddess’ speed and I guess she relented. A simple question just exposed the humility and vulnerability I have been guarding all these years. “ I just want to be happy,” My answer startled even myself.

Guess we won’t know what we really want till we tear down all those pride in us.  No one could tell but at that point of time, I had utterly given in to myself. “Face it, Jac. It’s time.”  All the while I thought, as long as I don’t give any acknowledgment to certain facts, they will never exist.  And I could continue being me; blind and deaf.  Someone commented, you ain’t that ignorant I thought u were. I want to and I choose to.

After a quarter of century fending for myself, its not a choice but I have to be ignorant to protect myself. Ignoring how people see me, ignoring the fact that my heart was broken time and time again, ignoring all those theories of life, ignoring how tough life is, ignoring what means happiness.  I do not have multiple personalities, just layers of them. And those who could peel them off layer by layer and unmasked the defenseless me were not many but just 2 and this man was potentially the third.

 While I thought the worst was over, he asked once more,
“what’s happiness to you?”

I wish I could snap my finger and teleport myself to any other place than to sit there facing questions I’ve been avoiding half my life! The silence wasn’t too long , but I already felt millions of emotions and thoughts rumbling through me like indestructible waves preparing itself for a ferocious thunderstorm.

“To feel good.” I blurted.

Yeah.. to feel good, I silently agreed with myself once more. 

Bret Amazzeing & myself