Amazzeing

Beautiful sunset, Melbourne

Recently I’ve been spelling amazing with double Z. After years and years of learning through the hardest ways, I still can’t guard this thing call emotions. I believe there’s this little elf somewhere hidden in me, that I’ve absolutely have no control over. It has the ability to dominant every logic and sense I have at any time it reckon  it should.

And this E, gets me into troubles big and small, places and people I would love and hate to meet or go and experiencing the emotions that I’d never thought I have.  The day I can control this E, no… I doubt I’m Jac anymore. We are inseparable, though at times I wish I could just be me. But who can touch water without touching wet?

With the odd and mysterious way this universe works, complimenting the E that is in me, I had the best days ever in years.  And of course, it involves a male species which made all these possible.  It added on to the already amazed me that how this universe evolves around every individuals if we allow it to. Traveling itself brings more unexpected than the reckoned. Defying the universe only prevents us for receiving the amazement that she’s waiting to shower us with.

It was another couchsurfing gathering I got to know from an Italian that I met a week ago. We hit it off straight away and so I decided to stay in close contact with him.  Upon reaching the bar, I had expected a couple of warm welcomes. (it’s a leo thing). 

The bar wasn’t too crowded with a couple of people scattered around. The one thing that caught my attention immediately, was this crowd hovering around this unfamiliar guy in a multi layered outfit and a jacket printed with gigantic M&Ms. So he was pulling some magic tricks that had everyone fooled with amazement. The crowd watched intently at his spellbinding hands.

The silence was unusual in a bar, when you have at least 20 people focusing on one single thing. Pretty obviously, I was captivated as well, but not fully on the tricks but the magician himself. The familiar couchsurfers / hosts ended up having all the same WTF look after each trick from the odd-dressing man who was the centre of the spotlight.

Where is he from? And who the hell is this gorgeous? I think I just woken up this E again.  With his little hand lion puppet, he approached me. Or I went to him,either way. Later I learned that the puppet’s name is Maurice. Even though I know its just another puppet, I was fascinated by how he brought the puppet to life. After kissing my hand, it fell into transfixion into the shoulders of his friend, the puppeteer.  SO damn cute! I broke into a big smile and looked at this amazing guy.. w.o.w. and not long after… shit.. oh no.. NOT again!!!

I didn’t manage to get his contact. His name is all I got. For the next week or so, I’d been thinking of this man who captivated me but I manage to tell E to fuck off cos I’m not gonna see him again. There was this tattoo exhibition which was showcasing one of the artists’ work around the corner at Sydney Road. It was something which I’ve been wanting to check it out but to my disappointment, it was just a retail tattoo shops with couple of artwork hung up for sale. Indeed, they do have some good designs but its still wasn’t my thing. Too dark and wicked.

As I was getting bored while waiting for my couchsurfing host to finish his tour, a familiar face came right into the shop.  In a flash, the boredom vanished and E prompted me to get his attention. I absolutely had no idea where the adrenaline rush came from. Taming the E in me, I got up and cracked a bashful hi. I could feel my ears glowing. It wasn’t too tough to get the conversation going. As I soon learnt he’s a natural communicator. The tough part was playing it calm and cool. If I could surface the war with E within me, it would be like the bombings between north & south korea. Same body, different ruling, trying to kick the logic out of the other.

The convo started with the usual questions back and forth from us.. more from me actually. In fact, I was utterly oblivious to whatever that was around me that I didn’t realized that my friend was already standing besides where I was sitting. I am, but I am NOT that oblivious to my surroundings. Somehow..somewhat… my senses just flowed in that direction.

 As much as I want to remember the whole conversation like a tape recorder, only one part etched into my memory. “What is your objective in life?” he asked casually and yet I could sense the momentousness of the question.  Close friends threw questions like this to me once in a while. But I’d never expect a person whose name I could hardly remember would challenge my thoughts in such way. Instincts instantly prompted me to say something intelligent, or duplicate some quotes from whoever. E ran through its pathetic archive in her goddess’ speed and I guess she relented. A simple question just exposed the humility and vulnerability I have been guarding all these years. “ I just want to be happy,” My answer startled even myself.

Guess we won’t know what we really want till we tear down all those pride in us.  No one could tell but at that point of time, I had utterly given in to myself. “Face it, Jac. It’s time.”  All the while I thought, as long as I don’t give any acknowledgment to certain facts, they will never exist.  And I could continue being me; blind and deaf.  Someone commented, you ain’t that ignorant I thought u were. I want to and I choose to.

After a quarter of century fending for myself, its not a choice but I have to be ignorant to protect myself. Ignoring how people see me, ignoring the fact that my heart was broken time and time again, ignoring all those theories of life, ignoring how tough life is, ignoring what means happiness.  I do not have multiple personalities, just layers of them. And those who could peel them off layer by layer and unmasked the defenseless me were not many but just 2 and this man was potentially the third.

 While I thought the worst was over, he asked once more,
“what’s happiness to you?”

I wish I could snap my finger and teleport myself to any other place than to sit there facing questions I’ve been avoiding half my life! The silence wasn’t too long , but I already felt millions of emotions and thoughts rumbling through me like indestructible waves preparing itself for a ferocious thunderstorm.

“To feel good.” I blurted.

Yeah.. to feel good, I silently agreed with myself once more. 

Bret Amazzeing & myself

I Am Beautiful

Sitting by the bar at 3.45pm, by myself thinking what Melbourne has given me for the past 2 weeks. Get out there to know more people, I was told. After a week in isolation, or rather, just being with one SG friend who is rich enough to levitate himself from the local Aussies. So I heeded the advice and get out there.. do what I do best – know more guys.

From Couchsurfing, my social circle expanded overnight. Travelers around the world came together and had a ball of a time.  I wasn’t surprise at all. Its  in every male species DNA to gravitate towards the opposite gender. That I’ve learnt over the years since puberty. Or so, maybe I was  over-estimating myself or the ego in me was over-reacting in its own will. Flirtatious darts were throwing my way.  Awkward actions spotted. There was this  guy that  were giving goodbye hugs to everyone and by the time it was my turn, he withdrew and gave a short quick wave  in front of his chest. He must be hating himself shortly after for making such a cute and dumb wave.  Through out the party, people moved from one spot to another, to get to know the others. Needless to say, I did  likewise. HoWever, I can’t help but  to notice the same face in whichever conversations I engaged to.  After the 2 convo, I’m pretty sure this guy had eyes on me. I never expected to get direct and blunt opinions from people of any race or nationality or simply, humans. The first guy who fondered my ego was the same guy who appeared repeatedly infront of me. After some short chat, he told me I’m beautiful and he wanted to see me home. And guess how I reacted. Any of my past experience did not teach me how to fight or flight this situation.  It was simpler to jump to conclusion – he just want to get into my pants. So I showed my simplest appreciate by saying Thank you, but I can manage. Nonetheless, he left me his number and hope I give him a buzz.

The next morning, another Host from couchsurfing called on the house phone. We met 2 nights before for a short drink and I went home after 2 hours as my crazy stomach had one of those days again. All thanks to the half a bottle of beer.  He was calling to check if I was feeling better, if that’s the real motive. Not long into the conversation, he blatantly, directly, forthrightly, told me he’s attracted to me and wondering if I’m feeling the same as well. If so, we can hang out more. At this point, its all clear that the first part of the conversation was just formalities.  It goes without saying that I did feel extremely good but it also put me into a very uncomfortable position. Extremely flattered I must admit, and his appealing smile was hard to forget.

As I was writing this outside a bar in the day, someone across the table has been gazing into my direction. Undoubtedly, a male species of course.

I’m starting to doubt how the world sees me. Is it true that when more than a handful of people say the same thing over and over again to you, a lie could turn out to be the truth? I was walking down the same street a couple of days later and I passed by a Pizza place.  There was this mid 40s man standing right at the entrance of the restaurant who I assume is the owner. Just another friendly Aussie I thought, when he started talking to me. It would be nice to chat with a local anyway, and so I slowed down my steps. Food and wine are gonna get me killed one day. I’ve got absolutely no resistance to any of that mentioned.  The word of wine took over the logicality in me and the next thing I knew, I was sitting comfortably on the couch, listening to his ridiculous words of adoration for me and persuasion of bringing me to Hawaii. My patience ran out as soon as I emptied the glass. Ok, Get  out of here.

Reality is nothing but mere made up fiction and beliefs of every individuals. It’s a matter of choice and decisions of every man that carve the reality in his world. When people say, come to reality and stop dreaming. Whose dreams and whose reality? The so-called reality is intensify when more people see and believe in the same thing and thus, it’s being determine as real? And if I choose to see the opposite and believe in the alternative, I’m seen as the opposer or the day- dreamer. Its everything around us that brings the reality to set. The judgment, the misconception, the delusion and perspective of every single being, shapes the personality and beauty of another. So am I still beautiful? I believe I am.

To those who shared the same opinions of me, to those who disagree, to those who are with me, and to those who are against me, Thank you. However, I don’t give credit to those thoughts and opinions and that’s how I survived through these years.