The sea is such a manipulator. Though as calm as it is, with gentle waves rolling into a rhythm of its own or perhaps only the true listener could tell you the exact tune that it’s playing. The different shades of blue bring both mystery and peace at the same time. For just a day, staring at this immeasurable mass of water lifted up my spirit. I felt, the world is beyond what I can see now. So, lets just chill and enjoy the moment. All these were yesterday.
I’m sitting by the café now with the sea just metres away. The rhythm now totally changes. You know sometimes certain music either cheer you up or makes you further depressed than you already are. But every song depending on its nature, brings forth different emotions. This sea.. what can I say. I stared at it for 2 hours this morning, trying to listen. Finding back the calmness and peace it brought me yesterday. The harder I try, the further I drift from what I’m expecting to feel. Tears welled up. I cringed and held my elbows tightly unknowingly. Seems like my body is bracing itself for its worst. Its funny that sometimes my body knows whatever better than I do. I felt a shiver down my spine, my heart beats faster and the next thing I knew, I have hidden my face between my knees and trembling in tears. Its ironic. A beautiful island like this and yet I am not living it. For moments i felt i was merely existing, getting bashed up by the profound movements of the universe.
So instead of trying to grasp the gist of how the whole fucking nature works, why not just live the day? So its all enjoying the moment? Unfortunate or not, its debatable. I think that’s said cos I know I’m able to make the moment happen again if I want to. Its only when I know its all done and finish. Never would I get to laugh like I used to, explode like we used to, chase each other around like we did. I enjoyed those moments. I love them too much I lose myself in the midst of these times. I fell in and out of reality for that period. I confuse myself from these reality rip-off.
Though constantly reminding myself of my position and preparing for what it may come – today. Its my last day here on the island. i doubt I will ever come back again.. not for a very long time I suppose. My last night here enjoying what’s about to end. The last thing I should do is cry. Afterall, it was a good 9 months. However, that is also a last thing and the only thing I could do.
Though constantly reminding myself of my position and preparing for what it may come – today. Its my last day here on the island. i doubt I will ever come back again.. not for a very long time I suppose. My last night here enjoying what’s about to end. The last thing I should do is cry. Afterall, it was a good 9 months. However, that is also a last thing and the only thing I could do.
Then in the night, my arms started trembling again. And I knew it was the wind anymore. It was his touch. A touch that I once thought is warm and assuring, now my body reacts to it like its afraid. Afraid cos I will never feel this touch again. I was doing pretty good, swallowing those tears while untangling myself from his arms so unwillingly. Till his arm wrapped around me, I found no other strength to push away no more.
I failed terribly. Failed to warm up a heart that I’ve given all I could and couldn’t. Failed to heal the heart after all these months. Failing to play the game well. Failing to arm myself well before diving in into this. Maybe I did. As times go by, the defenses peel away as real emotions find its way through. I don’t know why im writing this. Should I be writing this for my blog, just for myself, or for you? I know I’m crying out for help. Someone or something to bring me out of this miserable state.
Its 7pm. Hours to the night fall, to where it will all end. I wish he could sympathize me just a little. A little just to make me feel better. I remember I woke up this morning and for a slightest moment I thought that everything that happened last night was a bad dream. For that moment, I was relieved, till I realized his arms were still around me, I teared into the pillow once more. I wasn’t expecting anything, I just want to be happy and I’m happy when im with him. I don’t understand why must things be stopped when its all still good. And also because of the same reason, it has to end. Taking away the little weekly joy I look forward to was just pure evil. )
Love isn't a game. Love isn't something that anyone can choose to make it show up. It's a feeling that comes and goes as it pleases. When it knocks, we can choose to embrace it or pretend it never will happen. I embraced it, knowing extremely well that it will one day leave as silently as it came.
I suppose it's a skill; personality; trait; quality, whatever you call it, that a traveler must acquire. To be able to detach from anyone, thing or place within the given time from the motion of the universe. Its a remarkable quality i must say. Some people call it unfeeling or even cruelty. Cruel to the people around. Afterall, i always been saying, you just can't come into someone's life, make them care, and then you leave. But, who else, but ourselves, we have to love and be selfish to? And i learnt that the hard way, still learning it as i'm typing. Space, time, life, are the most brutal of all. They don't stop for anything. Like it or not, it moves on. Till Life finally found a dwelling place, i keep on moving, seeing, listening, searching.
There was a time i met someone else, whom i want to see his face everyday instead of the world; who i want to sit quietly even for minutes instead of partying in Ibiza all night. We traveled for 3 weeks. The emotions were intense for that 20days. It seemed like we'd gone through a 3 years of relationship all packed up in 3weeks. And all these illusions made us thought that we've found the one. It was nothing but a beautiful coincidence. Reality is, there's a clear start and end date. Happy times were meant to be packed and store away. Life moves on. You get the point.
Lots of people wish to find that special someone while sitting on a beach in Bali or exploring the streets of Paris. We have this idealistic notion of travel romance. However, reality is always different. The realities of desired destinations, time tables, flights and everything else often get in the way, and it becomes much harder to really keep things going.
We could only accumulate all these beautiful coincidences and for that, we learn to detach ourselves freely. I've met one that could do it with a snap of a finger. I admire him for that, so much i want to be him. At the same time, i'm glad i'm not and i detest him for him, maybe becos i'm the party that was left behind.
You meet someone, you hit it off, and for the place and time, you are together. It makes all things simpler, isn't it?
There was a time i met someone else, whom i want to see his face everyday instead of the world; who i want to sit quietly even for minutes instead of partying in Ibiza all night. We traveled for 3 weeks. The emotions were intense for that 20days. It seemed like we'd gone through a 3 years of relationship all packed up in 3weeks. And all these illusions made us thought that we've found the one. It was nothing but a beautiful coincidence. Reality is, there's a clear start and end date. Happy times were meant to be packed and store away. Life moves on. You get the point.
Lots of people wish to find that special someone while sitting on a beach in Bali or exploring the streets of Paris. We have this idealistic notion of travel romance. However, reality is always different. The realities of desired destinations, time tables, flights and everything else often get in the way, and it becomes much harder to really keep things going.
We could only accumulate all these beautiful coincidences and for that, we learn to detach ourselves freely. I've met one that could do it with a snap of a finger. I admire him for that, so much i want to be him. At the same time, i'm glad i'm not and i detest him for him, maybe becos i'm the party that was left behind.
You meet someone, you hit it off, and for the place and time, you are together. It makes all things simpler, isn't it?
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